When you are young you live in the moment. You cannot see the future and how life can change. You do not realize that this era of your life is so short and you have your life in front of you. This is how I was during my adolescence.
I was shy, quiet, followed the rules. I didn't have many friends for whatever reason. Maybe it was because I always tried to do what was right. I also suffered from low self-esteem. I saw myself as ugly, friendless, fat, unwanted, even though my parents told me differently. I figured they had to say that because I was their daughter.
I kept my feelings to myself, all bottled up inside. I felt like my life was out of control. I wanted control over something since I could not have control over who my friends were, if boys thought I was pretty or not. I figured if I was just a little thinner, boy would like me and I would be popular. I started dieting, which led to anorexia. It is a terrible disease that can spin out of control so easily you do not realize it until it is too late. If I had to eat, yes you guessed it, I would purge myself. See these were things I had control over: how much I ate or did not eat, and what I put into my body. I eventually went down to 80 lbs, when I started out at only 100 lbs. When that was not enough I turned to what is now a very common form of self-mutilation: cutting. The physical pain I experienced when I felt I could no longer cope helped to erase the emotional and mental pain I felt at the time. Thus, something else I could control.
Some friends saw me during gym class and set up on intervention at the school psychologist's office. I felt betrayed and embarrassed; my secret was out. But I came to see it as beneficial as time went on and I met with my counselor weekly.
On a retreat Sophomore year is when I finally came to understand God's grace. I have always loved Jesus, that was not the point. It is just up to this point I saw him as the Jesus from all great children's stories, with the little children sitting on his lap or surrounded with animals. Not a bad picture, but not the whole picture. But I digress. A girl stood up and gave her testimony. It was nice but did not really speak to me. However, the song she chose to play after caused me to break down and weep. It was the song "El Shaddai" sung by Amy Grant. Up to this point I was only familiar with praise & worship music and hymns. The lyrics to this song spoke to my heart. I finally understood that I had a Heavenly Father who adored me. That if I were the only person on the earth He would have died to save me. That it was not about who I was friends with, if I were popular, that I belonged first and foremost to God. The song saved my life and changed my outlook. I was useless the remainder of the retreat, but not for the rest of my life.
Jesus is the only one who can truly save you. He wants to, desperately wants to. His unconditional love is indescribable and overwhelming. It does not mean you will never have hurdles to jump, dragons to slay, obstacles to overcome. What it does mean is that you have a God that loves you so much, He wants to bear your burden, be your rock, your shelter, your comforter. Reach out to Him.
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