After 3 years of impatiently waiting, I was finally pregnant again. I say impatiently because getting pregnant the first time was so easy. All Marc and I had to do that think about it and it happened. But the second time was frustrating. Every month, another disappointment when the test read negative. Unexplained secondary infertility is what they called it. There was no good reason for it. All the medical tests said it was possible, but my body was thinking differently. Oh, and let me add, I kept asking God: Why not this month? I never said: In your time!
I made the appointment with the infertility specialist. Do you know what kind of wait list there was? Seems like just about every woman in Northeastern Ohio wanted in too. The appointment was set for two and a half months out.
During that wait period I started looking into adoption. I looked at domestic and foreign. Because we already had one child the wait period for domestic was much longer unless there was a birth mother who was specifically looking for a family with children. With foreign, it depends on what country you want as to how long you wait. Not to mention the price involved.
Infertility can cause such a strain on a marriage as well. Everything is based on a calendar with small windows of opportunity. The whole beauty of what your love for each other can create becomes mechanical. You start to take on the "it's now or never" attitude every month. And then after a while after the test keeps coming back negative, you both become discouraged and disappointed. Talk about too much thinking.
Instead of becoming closer together you can lean further apart. Communication can break down. That is what happened. Everyone knows that great communication is key to a loving, successful marriage, but when it becomes strained or stops it can cause quite a chasm.
One Sunday at church a couple came in and spoke about the Catholic Marriage Encounter Weekend. My heart started pounding. I could feel it deep in my heart that that is where God was leading us. "Come to me all you who are weary and heavily laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and loving, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" Matthew 11:28-29. God was calling. I went home from church, picked up the phone and made the reservation.
The weekend was great. Marc and I reconnected. We put the rest of our life on hold. We trusted that our three year old daughter would be fine at grandma's house and made a promise to only check in once on Saturday. It was not easy, but we kept our promise. This weekend was about us: our relationship with each other and our relationship with God.
It was on this weekend that my guilt about my abortion came out. I was still blaming myself, refusing to forgive myself, even though God had already forgiven me. In my mind I had this thought process going that maybe I was only supposed to have two children, and I blew my chance. Marc was gentle and understanding. We became better communicators. We also learned to actively listen to one another, not try to fix it, but just listen. Nine months later our very handsome son was born.
What a scary birth it was. First of all the little stinker was two weeks late to the day. Then, even though I was induced, he was just too comfortable in my belly. When he finally did make his appearance, it was fast. He practically flew out. However, he was blue.
The cord was wrapped around his neck two times. His apgar's were 0 and 2. He would be rushed down to NICU without me being able to even hold him first. Then my complications would begin. I started hemorrhaging. After no pain drugs and a natural birth I was rushed into surgery. They stopped the bleeding, but also had to give me two pints of blood. Meanwhile, they left my husband, the new father, in the labor/delivery room alone.
But my son's birth was a miracle. The reason he did not drop prior to flying out was because had he, he probably would have been born dead. Then we found out that his umbilical cord was eight inches longer than normal.
You see, God's hand was always there. From the timing of my pregnancy, to the timing of my son's birth. If anything had been different, so would have the outcome.
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