I consider myself to be very fortunate and very blessed. I had the world's most awesome daddy. He loved me unconditionally. He was my biggest fan, I could never do any wrong. If I messed up, forgiveness was instant. Because of that, I tried my best to never disappoint him. I always wanted to see him look at me with those eyes of love. You could say I was "daddy's little girl".
Whenever someone talks about their dad in a negative way, I just don't get it. To hear or read about stories where dad's are absentee, abusive, disinterested astounds me. I can't understand how someone could have or adopt a child and not feel love and responsibility for them.
When my dad passed away to be with the Lord in June of 1995 I was devastated. I had never lost anyone that close to me, sure I had relatives that passed away, but dad was my best friend, my hero. I felt like something broke in my heart that day, and did not think it could ever be fixed. Once I got through the funeral and dad's casket was lowered into the ground, the whole in my heart was endless. While my one year old daughter would nap ever afternoon, I would stare out the window for two hours and not even realize it. It would seem like I had just laid her down and then I would hear her sweet voice in the baby monitor.
After about six months of this behavior I came to realize it had to stop. I was not rejoicing in what I had. I was not celebrating all the milestones my daughter was experiencing. I was dead inside. I needed to wake up and get my life back. It was then I decided to go into counseling. I needed someone else to help get me out of my dark pit. During this time, my prayer life was non existant. The only time I talked to God was to yell at Him. I could not believe that a God who was supposed to want the best for me, who supposedly loved my unconditionally, would just steal my best friend out of my life. My daughter and any future children I would be lucky enough to have would never truly know the love of their grandpa. How is that fair?
During my sessions with my counselor she told me I had to figure out who I was? What kind of question is that? I knew who I was. I was Paula Kechisen Collins: daughter, wife, and mother. But it made me think. I was no longer "daddy's little girl". My hero and biggest fan would not be there to cheer me on anymore. I could not hear his voice over the telephone when I would tell him all the amazing things his granddaughter was doing and experiencing. I had forgotten who I really belonged to.
I had a Father in Heaven just waiting for me to call out, run into his open arms. He had not left me or abandoned me, but somehow when my earthly father died, I felt like my Heavenly Father was also gone. See, I pictured God and my dad to be one in the same. My earthly father was my measure of what God was like, and because I had the most awesome father, it was easy to picture my Heavenly Father the same way.
One of the assignments my counselor gave me after about five or six sessions was to write a letter to my dad. To tell him what I was feeling, the good, the bad, and the ugly. At the end of that letter I promised to write a song in honor of him. It took a while, but after a few more months I was able to accomplish that task. But the writing of this letter helped me to put things in perspective, lay it all out there, so I could see it and deal with it. A very handy exercise.
Loved ones who die never truly leave us. Yeah, their physical bodies may perish and disappear, by in our hearts, minds, conversations, pictures and videos they remain alive and well. Just the same, God never leaves us. We may not be able to physically see Him, but He is all around us. In the beauty of a spring day, the laughter of children, the words to a song, a smile or word of encouragement from a loved one, but most importantly in His Word, the Bible. How can we truly know who He is, what He promises, His plan for our lives, and how much He loves us if we discount this book, this love letter to us. He tells us He will never leave or forsake us, that He has a plan for our lives, that He loved us so much He would die for us so we could live in eternity with Him. He will carry our load, wipe away our tears, love us unconditionally, search us out when we loose our way. It is all in there, you just have to look.
When you have a best friend, you take the time to get to know them. You call them on the phone, go out for coffee, have dinner together, take walks together, console one another, laugh together. If never open God's Word, you cannot know Him that intimately. Believe me, He wants to know you and wants you to know Him better. In 2 Peter 3:9 it says "The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." What more can we ask for.
The chorus to my song about my dad also applies to my Heavenly Father. "A father's love comes straight from the heart, it is pure and unconditional. It keeps you safe and warm, strong and secure. You can always count on a father's love. And now I know you are still here with me, though I can't always see your face." Isn't that His promise?
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