My Knight in Shining Armor

Last time I blogged I told you about the vicitimization of my innocence and some bad choices I made as a result.  I also told you about the healing that started to take place after my experience with the faith healer and God telling me "it's not your fault."

Even though I was on the road to recovery and beginning to reclaim my self-esteem and worth I continued to make poor choices when it came to dating men.  Ridding myself of that feeling of unworthiness and dirtiness took a very long time.  I would date anyone who would ask me out.  Many of those choices were abusive relationships, both physically and verbally. 

That all changed when I met my husband of 20 years.  I was working in a salon downtown in the city when this really handsome man walks in for a haircut.  Tall, dark hair, dark eyes, a beard and moustache, in a business suit.  WOW!  I could not take my eyes off of him.  And, as luck would have it, he was to be my client.  I would get to spend 30 minutes of which my sole attention and hopefully his would be just on the two of us. 

I started with my usual small talk, you know, where do you work, what do you do for a living, how old are you, any girlfriends or a wife, sports, past times, hobbies, etc.  We flirted and smiled at each other during that half hour, then he left.  Though I must say, he was not a very good tipper. (hehe)

Four weeks later he comes in and requests me.  Oh yeah, who is happy now?  That's right, ME!  We talk and flirt some more, but deep down I know it cannot go any further because our salon has a policy of "no dating customers".  This goes on for a few months, and then one Thurday when I see he is coming in, I decide to call him to ask if he would be interested in drinks.  This is when I find out he has a girlfriend.  DRAT.  I should have expected that.  However, one month later, as he is leaving he slips me a note telling me to call him.  So I do.  We agree to meet for drinks and hor dearves at 6:00.  We continue in this style for a few weeks.  This was fine with me because I was still dating someone, even though it was one of those abusive relationships.

As he and I begin to get serious I break off my other relationship.  While we are progressing in getting to know each other I keep waiting for things to change.  See around this point all the other guys would start belittling me or hitting me, but this guy is different.  He treats me with respect and dignity.  He seems almost too good to be true.  How sad is that?  Meanwhile, the other guy I broke up with starts to stalk me.  How creepy is that? 

As I am going through all this my faith is getting stronger.  I begin to get to know my God better, am listening to more Christian Contemporary Music.  Songs like "Arms of Love" by Amy Grant and "Sometimes by Step" by Rich Mullen's are working their healing power on me.  My God is speaking to me using a medium I love, MUSIC.  He is sharing his love with me and letting me know I am worth something.  The song "Jehovah" tells me that even if God care for things like flowers and birds, how much more I am worth.  I decide to try my hand at music.

I work on writing lyrics that I am familar with, like the ones from the 80's, trying to mimic singers and groups like Pat Benetar, Journey, Dan Fogleberg and the like.  But I am coming up short.  The words do not flow, let alone melodies.  You see, God wanted so much more for me, I had to listen and become obedient.  Then one day while at the park, my favorite place to write, different words came to mind.  I am looking around me, at the rushing water, the hiking trails, the shore, the ducks, the birds, and start writing about what I am thankful for, and my first song of Christian lyrics comes to be. 

Even though my husband was not a Christian when we began dating, I truly believe God brought him into my life.  His gentleness and respect started to change my outlook about myself and my future.  He was God's instrument and he did not even know it.  As my perception changed, my ability to write music was given to me by God.  When people would ask me why "religious" music, I would say, why not? 

God knows what we need, we just need to be open to his suggestion.  My life verse comes from Jeremiah 29:11:  For I know the plans I have for you says the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and future.  I believe those words, though I may not always show it.  He knew I needed my husband, a man who would love, encourage, and support me throughout my life.  He knew that I could use my creative writing talent in praise and worship of His Name. 

My husband will tell you I am not the easiest person to live with.  My old demon's of self-worth, doubt, and insecurity come back to haunt me occasionally.  But he never gives up on me.  We have been together for 22 years, and in October of 2011 we will celebrate 20 years of marriage.  Although he hates the title, he is "My Knight in Shining Armor", but God is my King.