My experience sophomore year helped me to see how special I was in God's eyes. It started me on a true journey to get to know Him better and live a life that was pleasing to Him. It helped to solidify the values and morals I had been raised with and also showed me that these things are pleasing to God. I wanted to keep my focus to help plan out my future. I had a dream. Finish high school, go on to cosmetology school, get a good job, find the perfect guy, get married and have children. I had a plan and nothing would deter me.
The summer of 1986 would change me in ways I had never imagined. I went back to my job from the previous summer babysitting for two little boys. It was the perfect job, at least for me. Although I had the responsibility of keeping the boys safe, I also got to play all summer long, and get paid to do it. The family I worked for had moved from their previous home 10 minutes from me across town to what was now a 40 minute drive. They moved into a nice neighborhood that had a playground nearby and a fenced in back yard.
I met a few neighbors as the summer began. The man who lived behind them had a swimming pool, and the family told me when he was home it was fine to take the boys. It was an easy jump over the back fence, and there would be two people to watch the boys swim. It also helped that the man was in his early twenties, single, seemed nice, and good looking. Every 18 year old girls dream to have someone attractive to innocently flirt with while at work. He worked third shirt so he was up in the afternoons to start his day and get ready for work.
As the summer continued the boys and I went to swim about once or twice a week. I loved the fact that he noticed me, was kind, and smiled a lot. What teenage girl doesn't enjoy attention. As my summer job was drawing to a close a package arrived for the handsome neighbor while he was not home. I told the couple I worked for I would deliver it after I finished up work for the day.
I will never forget that Friday, July 26, 1986 for as long as I live. I learned that wolves could be found in sheeps clothing. When I stopped at his house to drop off the package, he asked if I would like to come in for a soda while he finished up what he was doing before work. I said sure, since I figured I got to know him and he seemed nice. As soon as I was in the house he attacked me. I was thrown on the floor and my innocence stolen from me. I was ashamed and embarrassed as I left. He had me convinced I wanted this by the way I flirted. It was my first intimate encounter with a man and it was dirty and violent. Not at all like I imagined it would be with my husband someday. I was saving myself for that.
I left and told no one. I became withdrawn to some extent and was told later that my parents experienced my nightmares. Six weeks after the attack I found myself pregnant, something else I had not planned but was done to me. Here I was raised with the values of intimacy and children are only to happen within the sanctity of marriage. Because I blamed myself, I felt that I had let myself, my future spouse, my parents, but especially my God down. That was when I made my next mistake, I terminated the pregnancy. Not realizing that this would plague my thoughts for years to come.
Thus started my downward spiral. I began to drink and smoke pot to dull the pain. Because I felt dirty, disgusting, and unworthy, I also became promiscuous. No good man would want me now. After about a year of this behaviour I finally made the decision to get help. Through individual and group therapy I started to heal. I told my parents, who were hurt I did not confide in them. They were no disappointed in me as I thought they would be. They loved me and told me I was still pure in God's eyes, though I did not believe it.
A faith healer came to my church. I was with the the praise and worship team so I would be in attendance. Something told me to give it a try so I got in line to await my turn. The faith healer, a woman of great faith, stopped when she was about 10 people away, walk over to me with tears in her eyes, took my face in both hands, and said the four words I needed to hear "It's not your fault". I knew they were directly from God. That he used her to convey his message so I could start to heal. I stopped my new way of coping through denial and deadening of pain, and renewed my trust in Him.
The healing began. Although it took a little time, I stopped blaming myself for the victimization and my actions that began as a result. My self -esteem and worth began to come back and I continued with my plan for the future. With God, all things are possible. In Philippians 4:13 it states "I can do all things through God who gives me strength." Truer words have never been spoken. It was shortly after my "faith healer" experience that I came across scripture that would become my life verse. The words of Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Even though I fell victim to someone else's evil does not mean that I cannot use the experience to grow and maybe someday help another. Scripture tells us we will be "refined with fire". These stumbling blocks we encounter are designed to draw us closer to God. To show us how much we need Him for help and support. When we reach out to Him in our times of trouble He rejoices. He welcomes it. As it says in the prayer Footprints: "At those times in your life when you see only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that I carried you." Let God carry you. He wants to.
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